How to Give Feedback about Defensiveness

Last updated: August 18, 2021
Estimated reading time: 4.5 min

A reader asks:

“我需要和一名员工谈谈我希望看到她改变的一些事情，但在过去，当我给她反馈时，她变得非常自卫。她会感到不安，并专注于争论她没有错——而我对谈论错误不感兴趣，只是想谈谈我们如何能做得更好。当她很可能生气的时候，我怎么把我的信息传达出去?”

防御是你能得到的最具挑战性的反馈之一，因为它会让你的员工无法真正听到你在说什么——从而无法内化并从中成长。很多时候，它会导致管理者犹豫是否给予反馈，这对员工是一种伤害(他们可能会在后来的绩效评估中失去警惕，或者想知道为什么他们不能得到加薪或升职)。反馈，如果做得好，可以为个人带来更好的结果和更健康的团队文化。

So what do you do when a staff member resists hearing feedback—becoming upset or frustrated or automatically pushing back?

Before taking any action, recognize defensiveness for what it is: a protective mechanism in the face of a perceived threat. When feedback triggers defensiveness, it is often because the feedback brings up feelings of sadness, hurt, shame, anger, or being misunderstood.

Defensiveness might present as a response to what you’re saying in the moment, but often has very deep roots. For example, you think you’re simply offering feedback about an article the person wrote, but they could be internalizing it as reinforcement that they are not capable or that you don’t want them on your team. Knowing this doesn’t mean that you should stop offering feedback; instead, try to tap into compassion and understanding when defensiveness shows up.

Here’s the good news: because of neuroplasticity, all of us have the capacity to grow out of protective patterns that no longer serve us—including defensiveness. To support this capacity in your staff—and make future feedback conversations smoother in the process—here are some things to try:

1. Name the defensiveness and its impact.

For instance, you might say, “I’ve noticed that when I give you feedback, you often seem upset and focused on why the feedback is unnecessary, or why others are to blame. Listen, I get it: I know getting critical feedback doesn’t feel good. It’s normal for it to make us feel defensive. But when that consistently comes through in blaming or arguing, it has a negative effect on both of us—it makes it harder for me to be able to share feedback, and blocks your ability to hear input focused on your growth and development in this role.”

2. Get curious about the defensiveness.

Rather than assume that you know where it’s coming from, ask questions to get beneath the surface. Consider asking, “Can you talk about what’s going on for you when I give feedback?” or “Do you have a sense of why this happens?” Get curious about what you could do differently by asking, “Is there something about the way that I’m offering feedback that’s not working for you? What could I do differently?” or “Are there ways I can offer feedback that might help you receive it—like sharing it in writing before talking about it in person?”

3. Offer some reassurance, if genuine.

Since defensiveness often stems from insecurity, you might help the person feel more secure by putting the feedback in context. For example, you might add something like, “Your overall performance is strong. So when I come to you with feedback, it’s not a message that you’re failing—it’s about how to get even stronger. But you won’t be able to grow in your job if we can’t have those conversations.” (Of course, make sure that you only say this if it’s true. If the person isn’t performing well overall, don’t mislead them. In that case, you might say something like, “These are serious issues, but I think it’s something you can work on, and I’m here to be a resource to you.”)

4. Describe what you need going forward.

For instance, you might say, “While I get that it’s not easy to receive critical feedback, I believe in your ability to take it in and grow as a result of it. I’m happy to adjust the way I deliver feedback so that it’s easier to digest, and in turn, I’m asking you to show up to feedback conversations with more openness.”
Defensiveness isn’t easy to deal with—and it can stir up our own patterns of getting angry, being passive aggressive or avoidant, or simply acquiescing (think: fight, flight, freeze, appease). To stay centered in the purpose of the feedback conversation and your compassion for the other person, remember:

  • Defensiveness isn’t a character trait, it’s a response.
  • Defensiveness probably can’t be resolved overnight, or even over a matter of weeks.
  • 因为防御是根深蒂固的，它可能需要一些挖掘，你可以通过注意你如何传递反馈，在关系中投资，真诚地提供赞扬和鼓励，并展示对对方成长的信任来支持它。
  • The most effective managers don’t let defensiveness stop them from giving feedback.

Check out our other resources aboutfeedback:

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